My older sister is getting married in May 2014 and I have been getting many questions as to why I am not in her wedding party. Truthfully, I asked myself that many times because my husband and I let her move in with us when she moved back to town. I also let her be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Okay, let is not the right word. I wanted her to be a part of it so I asked her to stand by my side on that special day.
I casually asked her as to what her decision was when it came to her wedding party. She replied, "I wanted both my sisters to be apart of it. But since y'all aren't getting along I didn't ask neither one of y'all so I didn't have the fighting to deal with that I asked one an not the other. So instead I asked the other people that are close to me. I want my day to go off without fighting. That's the only reason."
To be honest, if one can't suck it up for one day and just act like an adult then maybe there lies the problem. On a day dedicated to my mother, my younger sister (written about in previous post below) showed up but refused to be part of a family photo because my younger brother and I were present in the said photo. Oh well, get over it. Act like an adult, stand up with your family and smile for the camera. That was all that was asked of you.
It seriously pains me knowing that because of her actions, I cannot be a part of my older sister's wedding. Well, except for being the photographer. Just what I always wanted to do. But, I will do it for her to make my sister happy.
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| My sisters and I together back in 2005 when all was fine between us |
Just recently, I decided to remove my mother out of the equation as well. Yet, she doesn't seem to know why and is just making assumptions. She even recently told someone that instead of sitting down with me, she would rather just not see me or my sons ever again. That is really motherly of her. That goes to show that my mother, too, is a toxin in my life.
This morning while I was feeding the baby, I ran across a blog that really struck me because it was my very situation. I am sharing with you all so you may also read it and realize that if your family relationship is toxic, you can move on.
Please check out the blog Elephant-Dedicated to the Mindful Life
12 Ways to Deal With A Toxic Family/Family Member
Breaking up with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing and there’s a lot of advice out there for doing it, but what about a family break-up?
Most of us are not in a position to “just leave” nor do we feel we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a toxic family member (or members) is literally ruining our lives? How do we deal with the feeling of obligation, guilt, confusion and heartache?
It is important to note that not everyone’s family is there for them to lean on, to call on or to go home to. Not every family is built on the premise of interconnectedness, support and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some families build you up and some suck your energy dry.
There are relationships and friendships that just aren’t fixable—this includes family. There are situations that you can endure for only so long before you’ve outgrown them. There may come a crucial a time when you have to separate yourself from your family in order to do what is best for you and possibly for them.
In many respects, the way we were treated by our family ends up being the same treatment we offer the world.
Often times the signal and energy we put out into the world is similar to or exactly what we have experienced by others. And for most of us, this influential force has been our family. Think about it. Think about just how much the interaction, or lack there of, from our family, sets the tone for the quality of energy we give off during our lifetime.
What is unacceptable treatment?
Rejection, abandonment, not taking the time to get to know you or to be in your life, making you feel unwelcome, someone being competitive or hypercritical of you, pressuring or forcing you to be someone you are not, blaming, ostracizing, manipulating, belittling, neglecting and abusing you…the list goes on and on and on. These types of experiences can make a deep imprint on our hearts and inhibit our ability to react without them being present in the back of our mind’s. Our reactions to life become skeptical, doubtful, fearful and we more often see the dark instead of the light in both people and situations.
These negative experiences can jade us for a lifetime, unless we learn to do whatever it takes to get ourselves into a positive nurturing environment and replace negatively influenced reactions with positive ones.
What are the signs indicating that you could use a break or change?
-Your own health and mental well-being is damaged
-You feel emotionally, physically and/or spiritually injured
-The relationships with your immediate family/spouse/partner is suffering
-There is violence, physical and/or emotional abuse
-There issubstance abuse
-There are constant struggles for power
-There is unnecessary distrust and disrespect
What to do, how to get out…
1. Get group help. If it’s possible and your family/family member is up for it, get counseling.
2. If it’s possible move out. Move in with a friend, your partner, an extended family member. Get to a place where people want to be with you, try to move into a nurturing environment.
3. Accept your parents or family member’s limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behavior. You are not them.
4. Allow yourself to get angry. Use it productively. Exercise. Do sports. Use art and creative expression. Write in a journal. Don’t withhold your emotions.
5. Seek guidance for yourself. Talk to someone, a counselor, a life coach , your yoga teacher—anyone who will listen, someone you feel comfortable with. Ask for help with change and with taking risks.
6. Limit your time. Do whatever it takes to limit the amount of time you have to spend with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits, holidays, do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.
7. Set healthy boundaries. Try to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. You can love and wish them the best from a distance.
8. Learn ways to protect yourself. Practice meditation. Learn to be patient with yourself and others.
9. Become aware of yourself. Observe your reactions. Become more self-aware in order to break negative patterns as much as you can.
10. Practice doing good things for yourself. Do things that build self-esteem. Do things you enjoy. Invite others that love you along.
11. Create balance in your life. Take care of yourself physically and eat a balanced healthy diet. Be aware and be cautious of things you may do compulsively (eating, shopping, drinking, etc)
12. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Don’t wait for others to give it to you.
Is it wrong to hold grudges (is life too short)?
Letting go can prove to be more helpful (even life saving) than grasping at toxic strings, looking for what ifs or chasing disillusioned beliefs. At the end of the day, we are all certainly in this together, but each of us have an honest obligation to do what is best for ourselves. You can be a lantern of hope, you can lead my example but you can’t force anyone to change.
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