"It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on."
Today was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.
Many incidents have happened and yet not on apology has come my way. Therefore I had to let go.
I had hope. I actually had a lot of hope, but, today, I realized I was holding onto something that will never be.
I will claim to be an orphan. My biological father is more of a sperm donor and God only knows about my mother. When I always seemed to need her, she was never there for me.
In the midst of my divorce, she never really lent me a shoulder to cry on. I understand she wanted me to work it out but I tried more times than I should have. There comes a time when you need to just let go and move on.
"Giving up and moving on are two very different things."
My head is literally spinning while I type this. I'm not really confused about the situation as I am confused at what I did to deserve everything she did....more like didn't do.
My mother didn't help with anything during my divorce, my new marriage, my new baby...etc. She especially didn't help when I was violently attacked by a psycho you could associate as my younger sister.
It was supposed to be a good family reunion until she snapped, grabbed my hair and started to violently punch the back of my head. I did what anyone else would have done. I screamed and cried in fear and then called the police. The police determined they couldn't press charges because according to them, everyone only heard a verbal conflict and never saw anything. That girl told my step dad that she did it and hates me because I told her con artist of a baby daddy she cheated on him. Funny thing, I don't remember telling him anything. Oh that is right, I never did. When I tried to tell my mother how she does everything to help and support this bloodsucker of a sister, she walked out of the conversation.
Another incident was when she never told me she was going on vacation to the family farm around the time of my son's birth in June. I had to hear it from my siblings first. Why was I never informed? And you know what, she still didn't say anything until after he was born and she was visiting us in our room later that evening.
Also, according to my in laws and siblings, my parents are moving to the family farm next summer. Have I been informed on this matter? Nope! They even have the nerve to let the violent sister move with them.
A few months ago, she was going to visit her older sister for a day. I hadn't seen my aunt since our wedding almost 6 months ago. I thought it would be nice to visit and let her see the baby for the first time. My mother snapped at me in front of my father in law "no, I want to go by myself. I want it to be an adults only thing." Oh come on, I know I'm her daughter but I'm almost 30. When do I start counting myself as an adult? My father in law was actually quite embarrassed for me because of how she treated me in front if him.
There have been other incidents that caused me to disassociate myself from my mother. The last time was at a family BBQ when I made a few statements to my oldest son. I sounded exactly like her and started laughing which made my older sister chuckle. I turned to my mother and giggled while saying "oh shut up". Whether she was having a bad day or not, I don't know. She just replied with an attitude "I'll just get my purse and leave." I ended up hurt and in my bedroom crying while tending to the baby the entire BBQ. She apologized to my mother in law but never to me.
Today my nephew turned 4. I wanted to get him something and celebrate. I was there for his birth. I was there to take him to the hospital and stay 3 days when he was 4 weeks old and had the flu. The family had a small gathering today, yet I wasn't invited. Apparently my brother wasn't either but at least he was informed of the gathering. I was left out.
I am moving on. It pains me to say but my mother in law has been there every step of the way and has, honestly, been a better mother and friend to me than my own mother.
I will no longer let someone like her hurt me emotionally nor mentally.
I am very hurt. I have been disrespected more times than I can count and more times than I'd like.
I'm strong enough to move on though. I have a life to tend too.
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