Sunday, November 23, 2014

Building Up To Nothing But Anger

Three years ago yesterday, one month after we celebrated 6 years of marriage, ex husband and I went up to the Collin County Courthouse and filed for divorce together.

I am not even sure what to write this entry. I am beyond hurt. I cried all night yesterday. I was told how ungrateful, disrespectful and unappreciated and how I do nothing around here. When I tried to list all I do, I was told 1) that all that stuff I do is SUPPOSED to be done and 2) that I really don't do what I say I do.

I cook
I clean
I run and empty the dishwasher
I vacuum and steam clean the floors
I clean up dog messes which are not from my dog.
I make coffee more times than not.
I wash dishes
I buy groceries
I feed the dogs
I clean up poo in the yard
I check the mail

The only thing I am SUPPOSED to be doing is cooking for MY husband and kids, clean up after them, buy OUR groceries, clean up my dog's messes ---- EVERYTHING else ----no----not my house.

They want to be blinded by everything I do and say, I will just stop doing everything and just maybe they will see how much I do.

I am doing everything I can get our own place. I am doing everything I can to trey to be nice, to avoid conflict and make everyone happy.

I will not allow someone to ATTEMPT to control me and my emoticons or thoughts let alone someone try to turn my husband and my best friend away from me. I am no monster. I will not make anyone choose because honestly, I will be better off away from everyone, away from the bullshit, lies, away from the drama and way from the blame.

If she has THIS MUCH anger and she's had it THIS LONG --- why try to be nice to me. Why act like my friend. Why do things for me when I never once asked your help or asked you for those things. WHY?

I should let anyone get me this far down but damn it hurts. It hurts knowing my husband could divorce me to please his parents. Or he could even just walk away and never speak to them again ---the blame lies on me. It hurts knowing that your best friend things you are a liar. It hurts knowing one or more people blame you for ruining other's relationships with other people.

I look at my husband and I know I love him. I love him for standing by me when I was at my worst. I love him for understanding who I am and why I am the way I am. I look at him and honestly could not imagine my  life without him but at times I feel i need to prepare myself for the day to come.

I look at our son and KNOW I can't do the same to him as I did to my oldest but I also think there is no way I could fight when I more people fighting against me for him.

I no longer have an answer or solution for anything anymore.

I no longer know who to trust.

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